dreams flicker

Blue Valentine

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 17:40:00 +0000

You and me.

I just watched Blue Valentine, and I honestly wasn’t prepared for the assault of emotions that would hit me constantly throughout the movie. The honest-to-goodness reason for me even picking it to watch was the Gosling factor, but in the end it really was so much more than that. I think it was the raw, intense acting and directing that really made the story so real and powerful. A punch you in the gut kinda powerful.

I wasn’t prepared for the ending – some part of me thought there would be a way for them to salvage it. And desperately hoped for it. But it was destined for the rocks I guess.

I hated the juxtaposition of young love with married love. Hated it. It made me want to cry and so disillusioned with the institution of marriage. I know, it’s so silly of me. But this thing called marriage sometimes seem to hurt a lot more than it brings happiness.

I hated how happy they were before and how exciting everything was. I hated how dull it became – how she felt like he wasn’t bringing anything to the table, how she didn’t want to be made love to. How she had willingly accepted who he was before – but that was just an illusion begging to be shattered, and shatter it did in the face of marriage. Where love becomes dull and repetitive.

I know, I’m just being idiotic and getting way too immersed in it all. But y’know, I just felt like it was a real honest outlook on life, and how idealistic we are when we are young. I could identify with so many things – and at the end of the day, THAT was what scared and intrigued me.

At the end of the movie, Dean tells Frankie to go back to her mother. And he asks her, you wanna race? And he lets her race on her own. And she bursts out crying when Cindy scoops her up and she realizes it. That broke my heart real bad. It was like the official end because he actually walked out on Frankie too. The one hope in the movie.

Ugh. My emotions are too mixed up right now to actually write about it proper. The second most painful scene was probably the almost-abortion one.

And my favourite scene was when you and me played and they were in the future hotel, actually happy. And the tap dance when they were younger. And when you and me made a reappearance in the past (how crazy does that sound) after he met her parents and they were alone.

Nobody baby but you and me.

At the end of the day, it’s just a love song.

vanilla

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:15:22 +0000

I had a sudden urge to visit this little space of mine on the vast interwebs and was rather taken aback reading through my posts. One, because I sounded like an obsessive freak freaking out over her food. Two, because, omg. When will I ever kick the junk habit? And three, I feel kinda old.

Oh well – I am still studying now technically, so I guess it doesn’t make me that old yet.

But come next month, the real world beckons and embraces me. I have never been one for hugs and embraces, you know? It’s awkward, and in this case, it’s just plain sad. I think back to the times when I told myself I would never let the giant corporate machine swallow me up alive, and now that I think about it – am I really strong enough to counter everything?

Whatever it is, I just hope to make good use of the coming break, in exactly 6 days time. I can’t wait to be done with this phase of my life, yet I feel like I would much rather be in limbo than to take on the next stage. Anyway, these are the main things I want to do in the short break I have; nothing fanciful:

1. Read all that I can (Kindle is a-coming, yay)

2. Cycle, Run

3. Spanish

4. Family

That’s about all. No grand activity list – because I realize that none of the lists ever come true. Although, to be perfectly honest with you, I have a little to-do list for “after exams”. What – it’s just small silly things and errands okay!

Better be off to finish up the studying.

edit – After I hit the publish button, WordPress suggested for me to tag the post with “obsessive freak”. The Internet cracks me up. (And scares me as to how well it knows me!)

Anecdotes from Jill

Mon, 04 Apr 2011 12:19:06 +0000

Jill: “Teacher, I have a beautiful story, you know?”
Me: “Really, what?”
Jill: “Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess and her name is Snow White. There was a witch who was very ugly and in all black. (Etc etc) then the Prince kissed her and they lived happily ever after.”

Hahaha. I loved how she called it a beautiful story, but as she was telling it to the adult me, it sounded so creepy and sinister. I do remember though, that when I was young, it really did sound like a beautiful story. But now.. all these “fairy tales” just sound creepy and laden with underlying messages. Yes, I am going to be THAT parent. The judgey warrior mother who feeds her child organic food, no fastfood, and says no to fairy tales. Watch my dreadlocks fly as my child and I ride by a bicycle to the farmer’s market buying local produce. Yeah in that sick fantasy, I’m out of this country too. Hehe.

And I asked her, “Jill, can the witch wear pink?”
“NO! Witches only wear black!”

Oh innocence. I have missed you.

Ice-Cream Parlour

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 14:27:25 +0000

She sat across me slowly licking her ice-cream and making mountains from the pool of vanilla. It doesn’t come naturally to me to just sit and talk while slowly savouring an ice-cream cone – my concept has always been more of a walk and devour one.
I asked her, “Do you want to walk with your cone while we go to the shops?” (i.e. HINT, let’s go), and she coolly shook her head.
“You don’t want to?” (i.e. STRONGER HINT)
“No, I want to sit here.”
It’s quite revealing to me that a little 7-year-old can teach me a thing or two about enjoying the moment. It is also quite astounding to me just how honest children really can be (sometimes making me feel, this girl is in need of some serious social graces – STOP staring at the next table, no matter how weird you think the other kid is!). This is not laden with irony though – just as honest as they are, they also tell lies so easily. And they think that their stories are so believable and adults would definitely fall for them. Truth hurts, little one! But the lies are usually little harmless ones that don’t bother me. And you know, I REALLY used to be just like that. I always thought adults were so silly and had really never been MY KINDA young before. Sure, they were all babies once, but they were ADULT babies!
Bringing her out was strangely, really fun for me. Not in an outright way, but in a subtle, I-love-kids way. Yeah, that doesn’t even make sense. Things like putting coins in the correct box in the bus, pressing the bell so it would chime, introducing her to void decks and buses, reading meaningful books with her (Monster Princess, Lessons from Mother Earth, how about that!), holding her hand as we walk along the roads – the simpleness of pleasing children really got to me. I don’t have to try hard and force conversation, neither do I have to come across as somebody else (though I just have to know about all the words in the universe). It’s the idea that I can be me, and they actually don’t mind, maybe even like me!
You know, it’s not just the ice cream cone, the pretzel or the gifts that make them happy. It’s taking the time to talk to them, and to really be interested in what they have to say. That’s when these things become real to them.

Junk

Sun, 20 Feb 2011 06:57:30 +0000

I am so full right now. My friends have heard me utter that phrase a million gazillion times, and I think everyone is sick of it by now. I think I just ate my last chocolate wafer (after stuffing about 10-odd in my mouth). My relationship with junk food goes back a long way. My mum was not the kind to control my diet freakishly, the way I think I would actually control my kid because I am a control-freak with OCD issues. But having said that, I remember watching Aladdin when I was young and the part where the genie granted him 3 wishes really excited me.
I was what, 5? I’m not sure, but I remember sharing with my brothers (with my eyes gleaming from excitement), “doesn’t that mean that I can wish for 100 paddle pops? Or never-ending paddle pops?” I remember them laughing and mocking at my choice, because.. you know. Wishes are meant for more than just rainbow-coloured ice cream on a wooden stick. I loved paddle pops, chocolate fudge ice cream, any ice cream on a stick. I used to buy many chocolate fudge ice creams for my elder siblings also because the joy I got from eating them was so immense that, bless my kind little heart, I wanted to share it so badly with them.
I also remember saving up my allowance so that I could buy Mars bars from the provision shop downstairs. Many a times, I also wished that my dad was the owner of a provision shop. (That would have been my 2nd wish then!) I thought it would be like waking up in wonderland, being able to choose from all my favourite snacks, stemming from the Mammee monster noodles to the Super Cheese Rings that would stain my fingers, hands, lips, and face all orange. I loved them all so much.

And the sad truth of it all is that I’m still that junk-food-addicted little girl. I never grew out of it. It got much worse during my secondary school days (please ask my friends for the grotesque evidence) and improved a little after that, but nothing much worth commending (A Kinder Bueno A Day doesn’t deserve much praise). And I never liked feeling that bloatedness and pimplyness and all kinds of negative thoughts after eating. But I went (and I still go) for that high while consuming the sugar/salt-saturated processed junk.

Since I started my healthy eating quest, I have been good at stopping it for short stretches of time. But I have realized that once it is available, I’m a goner. Once I pop one in my mouth, it never stops. It goes on and on until the whole packet is finished. And my stomach suffers for it, my health, and my incessant whining causes others to suffer too.

I think it’s time for me to (wo)man up and let go of this drug that has controlled me since my adolescence. The only consolation I will allow is that I have become a dark chocolate fan so I will still eat that once in a while. But other than that, I will let go of this junk habit. And I have to make it stick. I have to make it stop. I have to learn how to listen to my body, and control my insatiable desires for the sugar (or salt) high. Bye junk, you have ruled my life for long enough. If people can kick smoking, I’m sure I can kick this habit too. I’m done, and I’m SO over you. I really am.

Free

Sun, 26 Dec 2010 16:23:38 +0000

Listening to trashy beats while driving in the drizzle, sipping a cup of iced mint tea in the middle of the night, discussing life over hot chocolate in a deeper middle of the night, returning home without pangs of guilt, waking up in the cheapest, most comfortable clothes, and feeling undisturbed, whole, and without treading around others’ toes.

I love this freedom and I am truly going to miss it come Wednesday. I think there’s nothing like living alone to get to know yourself better and to enjoy life more. I’m a sucker for solitude and space and all that jazz and it’s going to be hard to re-adjust to sharing the space with others who have the right to supervision of my life.

Whatever it is, I really enjoyed last night and this morning. For the first time, I felt like it was indeed a holiday. Though I did get back to the maid’s life eventually in the evening, I did it willingly and without feeling like my life was being sucked up by cleaning and organizing. Well, it is. But… it’s coming to an end. And for that, I’m glad. I spent most of the day curled up on the couch reading “Snow”. It’s getting a bit dreary now, even though it was really inspiring and made me feel like I should start penning down a few poems that exist within me.. But then, that’s just fantasy right?

Walking Abraham’s Path

Wed, 15 Dec 2010 01:27:04 +0000

I just watched a really interesting and inspiring TedX Video by an American anthropologist in Canada. He has some great ideas like “Walking Abraham’s Path”, related to things like shared experiences, removing biases, taking things a step at a time (literally), and etc. The fundamentals of it are so simple and something we can all relate to, but the idea itself is really what makes it tick. Going through the various countries that are going through conflict, and realizing that they are really not so different. It makes you wonder, seriously, what was so difficult about realizing that?

The video also invoked scenes of the Middle East that I had visited in June. It was one of the most awesome trips I have taken because there is so much history and culture in this place that I think it is amazing how underrated it is. The beauty of these places have truly been masked by the bad rep of terrorism and the Middle East in general.

Well anyway, he left us with a supremely thoughtful quote: “When spider webs unite, they can halt even a lion”.

And that brings me to another point – my healthy eating quest, or ethical eating quest. Both paths seem to collide at some point. I have come to realize that many of my friends do not like hearing what I have to say when it comes to the ethics of eating. The usual response is, “Please don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. I want to continue eating as I always have”. Sometimes I do get my audience interested, but it is usually done over a meal, and then we all go back to poking at the food on our plates without really processing what has just been said. It seems so selfish and absurd to me sometimes, that people can choose to be ignorant about this. Dude, your taste buds are more important than saving animals from being in absolutely disgusting, harmful and horrendous conditions? The adjectives can go on, but anyway, I find that hard to digest, pardon the pun.

I’m not on some moral high ground here and it is beyond obvious that I have my guilty eating pleasures too. But I think people should be more open towards being educated about the food they put into their mouths. And personally, stop making it hard for others (i.e. me) to eat food with a conscience they (I) can live with.

And that brings me to the end of this – how do we halt the lion of the cold and unfeeling food industry when there is no unity amongst us towards this? Instead, every day, we make choices that speed up the lion’s progress. Food for thought.

Being Healthy

Thu, 11 Nov 2010 17:28:43 +0000

I think being healthy is important, and the people around me usually make fun of my healthy choices in life, like ordering the healthiest plate of herb-ed fish in a restaurant where grease and cream are the main frontrunners, or like my commitment to running frequently, or just working out in general. BUT, the big disclaimer is that I have my very-unhealthy side too. I am so guilty of binge-eating, and of succumbing to greasy fries and curry puffs and chocolates, the list goes on. It’s hard for me to find that balance, or to stick with my healthy eating plans. So, I guess I’m the all-or-nothing type. I’m really going to have to work hard to almost-eliminate these things from my diet. I guess sometimes something’s got to give, but I hope I will be able to stick with this plan with some form of permanence. I just am so tired of and so over with the whole guilt and binge-ing, the whole lack of control when it comes to food. Time to respect this body a little.

Man of Steel, Man of Heart

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 15:59:39 +0000

Trouble falls in my home
Troubled man, troubled stone
Turn a mountain of lies
Turn a card for my life
Man of Steel, Man of Heart
Tame our ways, if we start
To devise something more
Something half ways

There’s something about Sufjan Stevens’ songs. They are upbeat but sad. Catchy but troubling. Like there’s a little sad truth only he knows and he’s trying to cheer us up.

#1

Mon, 18 Oct 2010 09:36:48 +0000

I’ve had this URL for ages, and did not do anything to it at all. I don’t even remember naming it “writing to reach you” – after my favourite band at that time, and one of my favourite songs. The sad kind, of course. It’s the kind of melancholy that creeps into your bones in the middle of the night making you feel really sad about life. Yes, people around me, including my neighbours probably, would all know that’s exactly my type of song. It’s been a while since I heard it though, and when I saw it, I thought it was an apt title indeed. More like ‘writing to reach me‘ though, because for so long, writing has always been my source of comfort. But I think it will remain a little quiet here, because I prefer the old pen-to-paper approach.

Today my iPod blared “one more time” into my ears. It never fails to bring me back to the green grass times of the past. Will it ever stop? Somehow I don’t think so. I don’t have much to say except that 1) I hope I can keep this up; 2) I just ate a whole load of junk – will it ever change? I hope so; 3) I have an essay waiting to be written – will it ever change? Hopefully in a year’s time I’ll be close to over with this period of my life. More than happy to put a closure to it, if you ask me; 4) Goodbye!